Adolescence is a time of self-discovery as children become more independent and self-aware. Teenagers start to shape their identity by developing opinions and a stronger understanding of their beliefs, values, and their place in the world. Their identity can significantly affect their growth, success, and overall wellbeing.

As teenagers are figuring out who they are, they may experiment with new ways of looking, thinking, acting, talking, or even trying new hobbies or interests. Identity is shaped by your child but is also impacted by their environment and relationships with others, including you.

Morals and values

As teenagers become more aware of themselves and the world around them, they will develop a stronger sense of what is right and wrong. Children are likely to question things to figure out what is fair, equal, or just in different situations. Their morals and values guide their decisions, impact their behaviour and subsequently shape their identity. 

You can help your child develop good morals and values by demonstrating and encouraging them to be:

• honest
• respectful
• kind
• responsible
• generous
• cooperative
• caring.

During this time, it's common for teenagers to seek independence, take on new responsibilities, and make decisions on their own. Teenagers may start to question authority, take risks, push boundaries, and seek privacy. Age-appropriate independent activities can assist your child to shape their own identity and explore relationships and settings outside of their immediate family. 

You can support your child safely develop their independence by:

• setting clear rules and boundaries
• having discussions about safety
• providing age-appropriate opportunities to be independent, for example, cooking at home, packing school lunch, or getting a part-time job
• teaching children effective problem-solving skills to help manage risks
• offering children more choices as they grow up
• modelling effective decision-making
• being fair and consistent
• maintaining an open line of communication.

The increase in hormones during puberty will impact how your child thinks, feels, and acts. Your child is still learning how to manage their emotions and, therefore, may have fluctuations in their mood. Your child may be happy and excited one minute and flat, sad, or insecure the next. Some fluctuations are normal, and discussing helpful coping strategies with your child can be useful. However, if mood swings or negative emotions persist or disrupt daily activities, speak with your child, and seek support from your local doctor. 

See Mental health for more information.

As teenagers enter their teenage years, they tend to seek stronger connections with people outside their family. Teenagers tend to develop friendships based on similar interests, attitudes, values, and shared activities. Friends and peer groups are likely to gradually change as teenagers take more control over their social lives.

It is completely normal for friendship groups to shift, change, and evolve over these development stages. In the teenage years, friendships tend to become ‘deeper’ with increasing communication, contact, and support. Communication through social media is a common way for children to continue friendships when they are not physically together. Same-sex friendships are common in the earlier teenage years, with friendships from the opposite sex developing more often in the later years of high school. 

Although your child is growing up and becoming more independent, they still require your support to guide them towards healthy, positive relationships of all kinds. It is important to teach your child what qualities a good friend has by teaching good morals and values. See the ‘Identity’ section above for more information.

Quality friendships allow your teenager to feel supported in both the good and bad times, sometimes when you are not there. Having a good circle of friends can positively benefit your child. Positive peer groups can:

• boost their confidence
• provide support
• help them accomplish their goals
• encourage them to try new things
• enhance their social skills and
• provide them with a sense of belonging.

As your child transitions from primary to high school, they may be concerned about losing touch with friends from their old school or nervous about making new friends. These feelings are completely normal. Some children will easily make friends; others may find it more challenging.  

If your teen is struggling to make connections with others:

• encourage your teen to reconnect with an old friend, such as a primary school friend
• find after-school or weekend activities that your child enjoys to find like-minded people
• consider car-pooling with another child your child likes being around; this could also save you time and allow your child to develop stronger connections
• if your child is old enough, see if they are interested in getting a part-time job where they could meet new people outside of school
• teach them how to be a good friend as this is likely to attract other good friends
• ask your child if there are lunch clubs at school that they could join; these are often facilitated by teachers who can offer a safe space for conversation
• organise get-togethers with families and friends that have children of a similar age to your child.

In addition to maximising opportunities to make friends, connect with your teen and make them feel loved, valued, and appreciated. Spend time talking and engaging with them to build a stronger relationship. It may not always seem it, but your teenager's relationship with you is an extremely important one.

Encourage your child to be themselves without compromising their values. Children who don’t have as many friends may be more susceptible to peer influence to try and fit in within new social circles. See the ‘Peer pressure’ section for more information.

Peer pressure is when your child is influenced by their friends or other children to act in a way they normally wouldn’t to help feel accepted and valued within their social circle. Peer pressure can be positive or negative and may influence your child’s:

• clothing choices
• language
• behaviour
• interests
• social media use
• nutrition
• motivation and attendance at school
• morals
• substance use.

Teenage friendships can greatly affect social and emotional development, but some parents may worry about negative influences from friends. Your teenager might have some friends you like or friends you don’t like, and this is normal. Criticising your teenager's choice of friends can be unproductive. Instead, try to focus on their behaviour and how you can support their confidence, knowledge, and agency. 

Negative peer pressure could result in your child being coerced or feeling pressured to do something risky, dangerous, or impulsive. It is important to remember that your child is trying to belong, and they may need your help in finding the balance between fitting in and making sensible decisions. You can:

• teach your child about peer pressure and the harms of risky behaviour
• instil strong morals and values in your child from a young age
• set realistic boundaries with your child
• role model positive independent decision-making
• teach your child problem-solving skills
• maintain open lines of communication
• build your child’s confidence
• encourage different activities that allow your child to meet new people and have friends from different groups
• talk about different ways your child can say ‘no’ in uncomfortable, risky, or dangerous situations.

During the teenage years, children’s friendships are evolving. Teenagers are:

• testing new boundaries
• striving to establish their place and
• competing with peers for status within groups. 

This can sometimes lead to disagreements, arguments or some children being mean or rude. However, it is important to understand that there is a difference between disagreements and bullying. 

Bullying is considered to be intentional, repeated, aggressive behaviour toward someone. It is where an individual or group threaten, harm or control someone to cause harm or distress. It can take many forms and may include a combination of verbal, physical, social, cultural, or cyberbullying.

See Emerging topics-Bullying for information on warning signs and how you can help children who are being bullied or who are bullying others.

Your teenager may be interested in someone from the opposite sex, same-sex, or both sexes. Others may not be interested in dating, which is also common. There is no right or wrong age to develop attraction towards others, and your child shouldn’t feel pressured to date, even if their friends are.

See Navigating gender identification for more information.

Popular dating applications, such as Tinder, Hinge, and Bumble, mandate that users should be 18 years old or above. However, your teenager may still explore romantic connections and feelings online through social media platforms such as Instagram and Snapchat. Talking about online safety and stranger danger with your child is important. 

See Online safety for more information.

Romantic relationships during the teenage years can be short-lived or unstable. Sometimes, feelings aren’t mutual. This may lead to breakups or upsetting emotions which can be challenging for your child. 

Although your child may seem young, the experience and emotions of a breakup can be very real for them – even if the relationship didn’t last very long. It is important to be supportive of your child and not dismiss their feelings. Be there to listen, discuss helpful coping mechanisms and remind them of the amazing qualities that make them unique and who they are.

Low self-esteem is when your child has low self-belief and negative thoughts about themselves and their worth. Someone with low self-esteem may regularly compare themselves to others or seek external approval or validation. They may lack motivation or avoid trying new things due to fear of failing or embarrassing themselves. This can result in your child feeling sad, frustrated, or anxious. 

Parents play a large role in supporting their children’s esteem through everyday interactions. Here are some simple ways you can foster your child’s self-esteem:

• praise effort, not outcome
• take an interest in your child’s opinions and beliefs
• talk about topics that interest them to encourage their passion
• encourage them to learn a new skill that demonstrates their capabilities
• help them identify when they have made good decisions
• encourage your child to surround themselves with supportive and encouraging friends
• encourage participation in activities they are good at so they create a strong belief in themself
• encourage positive self-talk in challenging situations
• frame mistakes as learning opportunities for future success
• practice mindfulness, meditation, and positive affirmations.

It is important to foster positive self-esteem from a young age. With the right support, you can help support your child’s developing self-esteem. It’s okay to feel sad or lack confidence from time to time; however, when self-esteem is persistently low, it is important to seek professional help.

If your teenager is frequently struggling with low self-esteem or has underlying problems contributing to low self-esteem, speak to your family doctor for advice or referral.

Positive self-esteem is when your child feels good about themself, are confident in their abilities and value themselves and their worth. 

Positive self-esteem allows children to try new things, solve problems, and make independent decisions. It enables children to believe they can cope, effectively manage challenging emotions, and be resilient. Positive self-esteem can help children feel happy and motivated leading to further opportunity and success later in life.

Body image is a child's thoughts, feelings, and attitudes about their body and appearance, including their shape, size, and weight. A healthy body image is when your child feels comfortable and confident in their own body and appreciates their worth irrespective of their physical appearance. During puberty, children may become more self-conscious about their appearance and vulnerable to developing negative body image due to the physical and emotional changes they experience. 

See Body image and self confidence for more information on supporting your child's body image.