Social and emotional development for toddlers

The toddler years can be a rollercoaster of challenging and rewarding milestones.  

The toddler years can be a rollercoaster of challenging and rewarding milestones.  

Your toddler is learning how to: 

  • express their emotions
  • become more independent  
  • play with other children in a more meaningful way 

 Even though they want to do things on their own, toddlers still need the comfort and security of their parents and carers.  

 A child’s social and emotional development can be influenced by many things. This can include: 

  • their home environment
  • genetics
  • family history 

The best way to support your toddler is to be loving, responsive, and to ask for help if you need it. 

Understanding favouritism/preferences

Favouritism is a common developmental phase for toddlers where they might suddenly prefer one parent or carer over the other. They might become upset or frustrated if the other parent or carer tries to help or care for them. 

Generally, a toddler will form a stronger attachment to  the person they spend the most time with, or the person who comforts them during big feelings. However, this can vary depending on the family and cultural context. Favouritism is rooted in attachment and safety. Preferences can change as your toddler grows and develops.   

Favouritism is a temporary developmental phase, not a personal rejection. It is not a reflection of the relationship you have with your child or a reflection of your parenting. 

One of the hardest things to manage with favouritism is having the other parent or carer involved in your toddler’s care while respecting their emotional needs and ability to say no.  

If you are the favourite parent or carer

  • involve the other parent or carer in activities while gently acknowledging your child’s feelings and explaining why the other parent or carer is there
  • show your child lots of positive interaction between yourself and the other parent or carer to reinforce that they are a safe person who cares for them
  • remind your child that you both love and care for them 

If you are the other parent or carer

  • don’t take it personally and try not to show your child that you are affected or upset by their favouritism
  • acknowledge your child’s feelings and continue to provide them with comfort and support
  • if the other parent or carer is unavailable, explain to your child why before gently stepping in 

Separation Anxiety

From around 6 months, children start to realise that their parents exist even when they can’t see them. This is called person permanence. Since they have no concept of time, they become anxious, cry, or get upset because they know you are somewhere and don’t know when you will return. This behaviour usually peaks around 1-2 years, and children tend to grow out of this stage. Separation anxiety may also extend to other family members such as grandparents, uncles, or aunties. 

If separation anxiety is significantly disrupting your child’s behaviour, mood, sleep or overall health, speak to your family doctor. 

Siblings

Sibling rivalry is a term used to describe the negative relationships and fighting between siblings. Your toddler is still learning how to manage their emotions and understand what is fair.  

There may also be jealousy if more attention is given to another child. As a result, disagreements and fights are likely to result at times, especially if siblings are closer in age.   

Remember, all behaviour is communication. If your toddler is acting out, they are probably trying to tell you something. 

While common, it can be quite distressing for parents, carers and children and can sometimes escalate if not managed well. However, if effectively managed, it can help children develop resilience, a sense of fairness and conflict-resolution skills. To manage sibling rivalry and jealousy, you can:  

  • talk with your toddler about feelings and how to express them safely 
  • set clear family rules and boundaries that are consistent and age-appropriate 
  • talk with your children about equality and fairness 
  • focus on praising good behaviour rather than punishing bad behaviour
  • spend one-on-one time with each child doing activities they like so they feel valued and are reminded of their special relationship with you 
  • discuss the good things that can come from a loving relationship with their sibling, for example, playing games together 

Physical violence between children should always be intercepted by parents and carers, with children being immediately separated. Speak to your local doctor or child and family health centre about resources and support services to help manage sibling fighting and violence. 

Friendships and play

As toddlers grow, they begin interacting more with other children and adults at: 

  • playgroups
  • childcare
  • family get-togethers 

Some toddlers will be very outgoing, while others might prefer to play alone. Either way is normal, your child is an individual, so it’s important to follow their lead. 

Play development

Between 12 and 24 months of age, toddlers will begin to learn about taking turns and sharing. This might look like passing a ball back and forth or handing an object to another child and then waiting for it to be returned. Between 2 and 3 years, toddlers will engage in parallel play, which involves sharing a space with other children while doing their activities. 

Playdates

Playdates are common but are still parent-focused at this age. A coffee catch-up between parents may move to the playground rather than the café, and will need more supervision.   

Toddlers lack advanced social skills like managing conflict, developing friendships, and sharing, so they need support and supervision from parents and carers to learn these skills and play safely and positively with others. You may want to debrief with your toddler on the way home and reinforce all the positive things they did and what a great time they had. 

Being aggressive

Toddlers often fight because they do not have the skills to resolve disagreements yet. They may bite, hit, push, snatch, or grab things from others. Emotions drive behaviour, so finding out what made your child angry can be helpful.  

Any physical  fights should be stopped immediately, with children being separated or moved apart to be supervised more closely. Try saying: 

  • “When you hit your brother, it hurts him, and he feels sad”
  • “It’s your sister’s turn with the train. I’ll help you wait until it’s your turn”
  • “It’s OK to be angry, but I won’t let you hit. We need to keep everyone safe”
  • “Let’s find something else to play with” 

Children learn how to sort out differences by watching and copying the behaviours they see in their environment, such as in childcare. As they grow, children learn better ways of resolving conflict. They need good role modelling and praise for good behaviour.  

Tantrums

It is common and quite normal for toddlers to have mood swings and tantrums. Children are still developing the social, emotional, and language skills to manage and express strong emotions. Children can become frustrated when trying to communicate a need but don’t have the words or understanding yet. As a result, your child may scream, kick, hit or throw items.  

Common causes of tantrums

Tantrums may be more likely when your child is: 

  • sick
  • tired 
  • hungry
  • hurt
  • overstimulated
  • confused
  • confused
  • upset by someone else's actions
  • stressed 

Tantrums vs meltdowns

Tantrums and meltdowns can look similar, but there are some key differences. However, tantrums can develop into meltdowns.  

  • Tantrums are goal-oriented and result when children want something they cannot have. During tantrums, children are in control of their emotions and tantrums end quicker than meltdowns
  • Meltdowns are not goal-oriented, and children don’t have control over their actions. Children react and behave instinctively when they feel overwhelmed, overstimulated, or distressed 

Managing tantrums

Tantrums are common for most toddlers. If your toddler experiences a tantrum:: 

  • ensure that your child is safe and that they do not harm themselves, others or break things
  • stay with your child and offer them comfort; they won’t learn how to calm down by being put in a time-out
  • actively listen and acknowledge their emotions by reassuring your child you understand their feelings
  • when talking with them, speak slowly and calmly
  • encourage your child to use some calming strategies, such as deep breathing
  • try not to give in to tantrums as this might accidentally reinforce this behaviour, making tantrums more likely to occur in the future 

Prevent tantrums before they begin

Be consistent: Be consistent with your parenting and maintain the same behaviour expectations. Try to stand your ground, as giving in to your child can encourage them to whine in the future. This can minimise confusion for your child and make your response to situations more predictable. 

Plan and prepare: When you give your child instructions to do something, make it clear, short, and appropriate for their age. Give warnings to your child when taking something away from them or leaving a place they enjoy. Warnings will help prepare your child and manage their expectations. 

Give two choices: Offer your toddler two choices to foster their sense of independence, engage them and make them feel respected. For example, if your child does not want to get changed, ask them if they want to wear their red or blue shirt.  

Keep promises: If you tell your child you’ll do something, try your best to follow through. This teaches them that your words matter and makes them feel secure and respected. 

Develop emotional literacy: Recognising and giving a name to emotions helps children understand and communicate to others how they are feeling and what they need. 

Teach calming strategies: Encouraging your child to take three deep breaths, count as high as they can, or have a drink of water can help them relax and react more appropriately to a situation.  

Praise good behaviour: Remember to praise, reward, and give attention to your child when they are behaving well. Only acknowledging their bad behaviour can be unproductive. 

Get enough sleep: Ensuring your toddler gets enough sleep, in line with the recommendations, will improve your toddler’s mood and behaviour. Not getting enough sleep can make it difficult for your child to follow directions, solve problems and manage emotions. 

Your child isn’t having a tantrum to be difficult. They are overwhelmed and don’t yet have the skills to cope in that moment.