What is grief?

Grief can be described as the intense emotional and physical reactions that a person experiences following the death of a loved one.

Grief is often experienced in waves. Sometimes it will feel very intense and other times it will feel a bit more manageable.

Grief can be an all-consuming experience and may strike when you least expect it. Your reactions to grief can be physical, emotional, psychological, cognitive, behavioural and spiritual. 

Physical reactions: Appetite disturbance, sleep disturbance, breathlessness, palpitations, gut and stomach upsets. A memory, a noise or a smell may cause such a strong reaction that it leaves us temporarily unable to move or function as the wave of grief passes through our body.

Cognitive reactions: Absent mindedness, memory impairment and difficulty processing information or making decisions.

Behavioural reactions: Being accident prone due to being distracted, avoiding certain social situations, excessive use of alcohol, and overworking.

Emotional reactions: Longing to be with your child, anger and guilt as well as sadness.

Psychological reactions: Anxiety, depression and perhaps a sense of hopelessness.

Spiritual responses: Inability to pray, questioning your faith or beliefs about the world and searching for meaning.

The grief following the death of a child in Aboriginal families communities may have additional complexity due to the impact of intergenerational loss and trauma.

It is important to talk with your health professionals if you would like to be linked with an Aboriginal Health Worker for culturally appropriate bereavement support

• Lifeline Toolkit for Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander People: Coping with Sorrow, Loss and Grief

Parents mourn not only the physical loss of their child but also the loss of all the hopes they had for their child’s future and for life as a family.

The loss of hopes that parents had for their child’s milestones such as starting school, university, graduation or getting a job and meeting a life partner can be just as severe as the physical absence of their child. 

• unable to accept what has happened
• may feel shock, anger, despair, relief or guilt
• may feel like blaming someone for what has happened
• have little interest in the things you normally enjoy
• find it difficult to go to social events
• feel lonely or distant
• find talking with other people or your other children difficult
• unable to support others in ways you might normally
• might not be able to cry, or you might cry a lot
• feel that things could have been done differently
• personal relationships are placed under stress
• feel upset that others close to you are not really grieving or are grieving too much.

Parents often want and need to talk about their deceased child however sometimes friends and other family members may avoid talking with you about your child because they are afraid of upsetting you or themselves.

You may feel very alone with your grief. If possible let those close to you know if you do want to talk about your child and it may comfort you to recall the memories of times with your child.

Another difficulty many recently bereaved parents face is how to respond when you meet someone for the first time and they ask you how many children you have. The differing possibilities of how to answer this question may pass through your mind, as will the reminder that your family is missing a much loved child. 

Many parents tell us that after some time they find a way to answer this question that feels right in the particular situation and which also honours their child.

• give yourself time to talk to those around you
• accept help from family and friends
• be gentle on yourself and take time to be alone if you want
• create a memory book or box to remember the special things about your child
• link with a parent bereavement group (information available in this handbook)
• speak to a social worker or counsellor 
• consider using alternative therapies such as massage, meditation or relaxation.

You might want to think about asking for help from a health worker if you are experiencing the following:

• feeling overwhelmed
• nightmares or difficulty sleeping
• feeling isolated or not having someone to talk to • Having difficulties with your relationships
• relying on drugs or alcohol
• difficulties at work or school
• repeated accidents
• thoughts of self-harm
• if you are worried about other family members.

Bereavement support can begin towards the end of life and continues after a child has died.  Support can include providing information about grief and loss, emotional support and assistance with memory making. If needed, advice about funeral arrangements can also be offered.

Bereavement support is offered to parents/carers, siblings, grandparents and any other significant members of the child’s family or support network.

Bereavement support can be offered through phone calls, videoconferencing, home visits, counselling (or referral to local counselling services) and support groups. Find out more in 'Bereavement support service' in this chapter.